I don't even know what to write about you.

Lets live together someday.
Lets make some distant promises.
I love that stuff.

You're right. You're always right about me.
I compare you. I take you and put you up against my brutal standards.
The standards of my past, the standards of my future.
But you win every time. You fight your way down, back to reality. You fight your way away from my clinging grip and look at my eyes and tell me it's going to be OK, you tell me to relax. You don't let my tendency to lead things towards disaster get in your way.

I always go for the softies. Maybe because I'm a fighter and I have to win. You look the part, I could tell from the beginning you had your problems and you had your insecurities. But Fuck! You surprised me. Blew me out of the water with your strength, your incredible sense of self. Instead of inflating my own ego with the desire to help you with your problems, you've turned me inside out and I have been forced to look in at my own. And through that I'm helping both of us.

Who would have known? I don't think you knew either. We started this with our doubts. According to the facts, this shouldn't have worked out. But you've shown me I can't just let facts be my crutch.

This.

This is good.

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I'm going to become a minimalist.
Selling all my junk in a garage sale.
for other people to buy. and then realize they don't need.
I'll keep my bed and my computer and my desk. The things I need.
I want to take down my posters.
Clean up this clutter.
Clean up my mind.

I am a messy person. My room mate and I had our first fight today. You know, the kind with yelling. I feel better now. I'm surprised it took 8 months for us to fight.
He's an OK guy, I'm just not good at sharing my space.

I am in love again. Yay. Yay for good feelings and good outings with friends, and yay for sex with real emotions.
Some people argue that once you have emotionless sex, you'll never have serious sex again. I think they are wrong. Although I don't believe in just casually sleeping with different people, I do think it's possible to have one kind of sex or the other. But sex and love together is an experience that can't be matched. Without a doubt.

My heart was just dead for a while. And reasonably so. It was exhausted.
But we're up and running again, my heart and I.

Love is a funny thing. I thought I'd only love once. I thought all attempts after that would be void. But I don't think so anymore. Sometimes I am worried I'll get too serious and run myself right back into disaster and heartbreak. Sometimes I am worried I will misjudge the person I am with and be blind/ignore the things that I really truly do not want in a partner. Sometimes I am afraid I just want someone to be with, and like most other girls my age, be consumed by the thought of "finding the one". Then be crushed and have to break another habit.

But there's no doubt I'm wiser now. And growing wiser still. So. We'll see what happens to me.

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I locked my keys in my car AGAIN and not only was it $45 for a locksmith but it was also embarassing because I was at work and everyone saw.
All I bought was sugary stuff when I went grocery shopping last so I'm stuck eating junk until I run out. Right now I'm eating s'mores pop tarts.
I got a parking ticket for parking in front of a fire hydrant at Ben's house.
I like Ben and all but his anxiety about driving to Denton to see me is starting to weigh on me. Not to mention gas is 3 dollars a gallon and I don't really have time to see him.
I've been slacking in school, I know for a fact I am failing Government because UNT sent me a notice in my e-mail. I'm having a really hard time caring.
My cats are stinky but I love them.
I have a crush on my French teacher. His name is Omar and he is from Jordan. French is his second language and English is his third. He studies linguistics. I stayed after class today to as him a question and I swear he was flirting with me. It's hard to tell because of the language barrier but I swear... And then I accidentally took his book (I swear it was a complete accident) because I thought it was mine and then I realized it half way to the bus stop, turned around, came back, and he was there waiting for me. Then as I was leaving for the second time he was like, "you are from arlington, no?" and I got creeped out a little and was like... yeah how'd you know? and he said that I said so when we all answered the question "where are you from" on like the first day of class. How/why would he remember that?? Haha. I'm over analyzing because he's cute. And 27.
AAAnyway.
When I'm not at school I'm at work and I am exhausted from getting up at 6am every day including weekends. I miss staying up late and sleeping in. I miss the night time. That is when I am the most productive.
But the funny thing is about all this is that I am relatively happy.
Even though I don't know what will happen with my education.
I don't know what will happen in my love life.
I don't know where I'll be living in a year...
I don't care. I like not knowing. I like being free. Not burdened by thoughts of the future, as wonderful as some of them can be, there's nothing like just sitting outside and reading a book and not worrying about anything else at all.

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I can't deny it anymore. Things are changing, things have changed.

I'm walking around filled with fluid. Ready to spill if anything startles me. I'm treading carefully.
I'm aimlessly floating. My breaths are getting shorter and quicker, my chest tightens and my eyes burn. I want to curl up. I want to lie in bed and forget everything that burdens me. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay.

But it's not. Nothing is okay. There is a mess, a huge pile of garbage and it's beginning to rot. It's all just been sitting there for too long and between the fumes I can't see what I'm aiming for.

I don't know anything right now,
but I can feel it, I will know soon. I'm edging in on a whole new insight.

My trademark phrase, "I'm sorry" is sitting at the tip of my tongue, wanting to jump out now more than ever.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
I didn't see that I was instigating so many problems outside of my own life.

I just didn't know any of this was real...

And then my mind backtracks. My constant dialogging with Love,

I loved him. We loved each other, completely mutual. Times were simple, things were sweet and beautiful and pure. We had fun and we went places and we did things and through those eyes in love we saw things we'd never seen before.
But... You can't get stuck going nowhere. You're gonna have to wake up one day and go somewhere. And you have to be with someone who will go there with you. You gotta share the vision, have similar goals. Otherwise you wake up one day and you realize you're both off target.
And I think that's what happened. We woke up and realized we were both off target.
But the hard part of everything is, our love was so strong. So real. So invigorating. So much so that it is easy to want it back. Even after all the pain, all the suffering. Even after we had hurt each other so much. And we both DID want it back.
From day one I knew he'd come back. And I wanted him to. And maybe to a degree we still want each other back. But I know it just can't be that way. As great as it felt then, it won't ever be that way again. He knows it too, I think. Deeper down. It's over.

So I let go of it. Sure, I still feel things towards him. How could I not? After so much time I loved him so so SO deeply. But I had to get away. I had to close off that ventricle of my heart.

Then I turned my attention to Ben. I think at first it was because I just wanted to avert my attention. Think about something else, think about someone else. But over time it began to grow into something more. I realized I really did like him, and a lot of things about him. And what I realized is that, had it not been for my baggage, it would be completely easy to fall for him without so many complications. The truth is I don't know if I can fall in love again. I don't know if my body can handle it.
It's like the first time you get really drunk. You go into it totally unaware of what it's going to feel like, and you just take a chance and once you realize how fun it is you just keep drinking and drinking. Then, through the natural course of things the night ends and you pass out somewhere.
You wake up and you have no idea where you are and you feel terrible and disgusting. It takes a while to start feeling better again, so you just stay in bed for a few extra hours and slowly are able to go about your day.
But a few days later you get invited to another party and you go. But as soon as you're offered that first drink... the puking reflexes still remember the pain of the other night and prohibit you from being able to continue. Even though you want to have fun again.
But I guess over time you grow callous to that feeling and are able to just suck it up and control your brain to ignore that feeling because you know it doesn't really mean anything.
That was a weird analogy. But I like it. Anyway. I keep going off and on about Ben and I never can quite figure out why. I keep denying that it has anything to do with Matt but I don't think I can deny that any longer. It has everything to do with Matt. Every time I hear from him, hear about him I flinch. I run away, I become distant. And I think it is because of those feelings I still have for him. But the thing is, those feelings are not lingering for any particular reason. I know for a fact nothing will ever happen between him and I again. It's completely over.
But I'm ruining my relationship with Ben because of it, and I don't have any idea how to stop.
In all honesty I want our relationship to continue. To grow. Maybe it's gonna be extremely hard to fall in love again, but I need to take that pressure away and just let it happen. Or let whatever is going to happen happen.

The moral of the story is "I don't know."
Which is not something I've never dealt with before, but it's still a challenge.

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I'm not sure.
About anything at all, really.

I'm almost done with my college basics yet I have absolutely no idea what to major in. I've really never even cared for school that much, honestly.

I'm pretty sure I still have feelings for my ex. And I know for a fact he's still in love with me. Yet... I know it could never work out. And I go on and off about the Ben constantly. I'm not sure if I love him. Especially when I still feel things for Matthew.
Ben is great. We have fun... but sometimes it just doesn't feel right.

My 20th birthday is on Saturday. I could care less. I'm going to work at 6am, and then going to sleep.

I hate my new job. Completely hate it. I hope to God that the other job I applied for will call me back, because I completely despise this one. But I need money.
and that's how it goes, I guess.

I only ever write in here when I'm depressed.
I feel good sometimes, too. It's just... there's too many hard things floating around and I don't like un-solved problems

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The litter box is under my desk, and whenever the cat takes a shit, she looks up at me, squints her eyes, and mews a little bit. Haha. It's adorable.
I bought this powder stuff that you put in the litter so that when she poos it makes a pleasant flowery smell. I find it lovely.

I miss my Arlington friends.

I might be getting a job at the Gaylord Texan. $9 an hour. Actually my 3rd interview is like...
right now..

g2g

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